Something that I desperately need.

You know what I�m talking about. I�m talking about that nebulous, misty, elusive portion of you that hangs like a pound of lead midway between your sternum and your spleen.

I�m talking about your soul.

You never use it. You don�t need it. Hell, you never asked for it in the first place.

All it�s doing is weighing you down. All it�s doing is fucking up your life and preventing you from doing the things that you really want to do. All it�s doing is whispering "no" when every other part of you is shouting "yes!"

You probably would have gotten rid of it a long time ago, if you�d ever stopped to think about it� and if you had some place to unload it, or some person who was willing to take it off your hands.

That place is here. That person is me.

Donate to Unequivocal�s Soul Drive, and rid yourself of a great burden. It�s easy. It�s painless. It�s free.

This is not a joke.

I really am collecting souls. I really do want yours.

Donating is simple. You just need to send me an e-mail or sign my guestbook. Tell me your name (first names, nicknames and pseudonyms are all perfectly acceptable) and include the phrase "I donate my soul to your Soul Drive" or some variation thereof. If you wish to remain anonymous, that�s perfectly fine. If you do not wish to remain anonymous, your name will be entered on my donors page, along with a link to your home page or e-mail if you so desire.

Once you�ve donated, you can go to my banner page, and snag a nifty Soul Drive banner for your web site. (If you don�t want to donate, but you still want to show your support, you can get a support banner here.)

A couple of things to note:

• Don�t try to donate someone else�s soul. It won�t work, I�ll know, and you�ll end up forfeiting your own soul to me. If you fuck around with me like that, your soul will be sorry.
• Similarly, don�t try to take one of the "Donor�s Only" banners without donating. Again, your soul will be forfeit, and you�ll be fucked.
• Don�t donate frivolously. No refunds will be offered under any circumstances.
• Souls are not tax-deductible, and the IRS doesn�t have any sense of humor about shit like that. Don�t even try.
• Although I am willing to accept souls in any condition, I ask that those of you who have already entered into demonic pacts with third parties refrain from trying to donate your souls. It isn�t fair to me, and it isn�t fair to the demons.

At this point, many of you are probably asking yourselves "Why should I donate to Unequivocal? What good will it accomplish? What is he planning on doing with all those souls anyway?"

My answer to that is "Don�t look a gift horse in the mouth." After all, I�m offering to relieve you of a great burden; that should be enough for you.

If it isn�t, then this should be:

Ten percent of all souls donated will go directly to an organization or entity (probably in corporate America) suffering from a deficiency of soul.

That�s right� your donation will help to humanize such heartless, soulless, pitiless organizations as Microsoft, Sprint, McDonalds or the advertising firm that came out with the Mentos commercials.

Do a good deed. Donate now.