Please note: unequivocal is not an accredited astrologer. He is, however, a skilled erratomancer. There's some crossover there. Not that you'd understand.

Aries: (March 21�April 19)

The events of the next few days are unlikely to cure you of your long-term obsession with white trash culture. They will, however, provide ample opportunities for you to explore the nature of this obsession in excruciatingly intimate detail.

Taurus: (April. 20�May 20)

Nothing of particular importance is slated to happen to Taurus this week, with one notable exception: Thursday afternoon would be a very bad time to download scat movies at work. Stick to bestiality; your boss is a sucker for bestiality.

Gemini: (May 21�June 21)

Your innovative use of ethernet cable to stifle petty inter-office politics this week will earn you accolades from your surviving co-workers. Geminis can be real bitches when they're crossed.

Cancer: (June 22�July 22)

The stars dictate that this would be an excellent time to focus on self-improvement and to break bad habits. You could start by quitting smoking; you were, after all, born under the sign of "Cancer," which is not a particularly auspicious start to your life.

Leo: (July 23�Aug. 22)

The stars sympathize with you regarding the miserable failure of every romantic relationship you have ever engaged in, but frankly feel that it is largely your own damn fault.

Virgo: (Aug. 23�Sept. 22)

This is a particularly lucky week for high risk/high return investments. Unfortunately, the ability to properly invest hinges on some sort of disposable income and the last time the stars checked, you were pretty much flat broke.

Libra: (Sept. 23�Oct. 23)

This week it will prove necessary to stand by your convictions. Actually, the word "convictions" will figure rather prominently in your immediate future.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24�Nov. 21)

The stars would like to gently point out that not everything your parents told you was true. Not to crush your childish dreams and beliefs or anything... but there really is no such thing as a "booger fairy."

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22�Dec. 21)

The stars wish to make it absolutely clear that being the bearer of bad news affords them no pleasure. They also offer their sincerest condolences to you.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22�Jan. 19)

Happiness will pursue you in whatever you do this week. In this particular case, "happiness" actually takes the form of a large, sweaty clown with a scalpel.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20�Feb. 18)

The bad news is that this is likely to be a very unpleasant week for you. The good news is that your living room paint is actually very high quality; the poop should scrub off with a minimal amount of effort.

Pisces: (Feb. 19�March 20)