The fault lies, once again, with her advisor... though Astralounge is loath to say so explicitly.

Astralounge, you see, is an imcompetence apologist. When she tells me about some of the rampant idiocies perpetrated by the people who are supposed to be working for her or helping her, I sometimes become enraged on her behalf... but she always brushes the matters aside as trivial, and notes that the person at fault is really nice.

I understand that this is nothing more or less than a fundamental difference in the way that Astralounge and I approach the world. I believe that if someone sucks at their job, you shouldn't turn a blind eye just because they're nice. Similarly, I believe that just because someone is good at what they do, that doesn't give them the right to be a jerk (though, in honesty, I would much rather secure the services of a competent asshole rather than those of someone who was perfectly nice but had no idea what they were doing).

I recognize the fact that this is just a different attitude, and I further recognize that there is no right or wrong way to handle these situations.

So, I am not writing to browbeat Astralounge, or to call her a fool. I'm writing because I have now reached a place of genuine curiousity.

Astralounge, how far does your tolerance for this sort of thing extend? I know that it goes quite a ways -- far enough, for example, that you're willing to not only continue to patronize your drycleaner, but actually recommend him to others, even after he lost one of your uniform tops and took well over two months to complete a simple alteration. Far enough that you're willing to brush off your advisor's consistent lack of availability and her equally consistent failure to perform the simplest of tasks to keep your academic career on the proper track. Far enough that you're willing to defend the nice old lady (we'll call her "L") on my lover's comittee, despite the fact that by all outside standards, L's activities were largely limited to being unavailable, ill-prepared and generally totally off in left field.

And now... irritation at your advisor for her latest failure? A failure that could change the entire track of your academic career? Irritation?

Astralounge, were you anyone else, this would be a criticism. I wouldn't be asking you why you are so tolerant, but rather telling you that you're a goddamn fool for being so nice.

But you're you, and you're crazy-smart, and you don't really do that many godawful stupid things. I'm left with the conclusion that your attitude in these cases serves a purpose, though I'll be damned if I can figure it out.

So... I have questions. The first one is: why are you so nice and so forgiving? Are you really a saint? Are you martyring yourself? Is this a political statement? What keeps you from wanting to strangle these buffoons?

My second question (and this is the one that I'm more genuinely interested in) is this: is there a point where this breaks down? To rephrase, how badly would a genuinely nice person have to fuck things up for you before you got pissed enough to not want them working for you?

If your landlord (who I know is a wonderful man) came over to do some electrical work, and after he left an electrical fire broke out and burned up everything in your bedroom, would you still be willing to let him do electrical work for you? What if your doctor (who has a great bedside manner, and is a really nice guy), gave you the wrong prescription and you broke out in hives? Or what if your dentist accidentally pulled the wrong tooth?

I guess the real question is this: how badly and how often would your advisor have to screw up your academic career before you would be willing to admit that she's no good at what she does and shouldn't be in this line of work? Is there anything that she could do that would make you write her off... anything other, of course, than not being nice?

That's all I've got. That and the following reassurances:

1) If there's a heaven, you're going there.