Dear Thomas,

I would like to thank you kindly for writing and inquiring about the piano. Unfortunately, as I made clear in my original advertisement, the estate is not willing to even consider selling the instrument to anyone with more than four letters in their first name.

After the previous tragedy, how can we be blamed for exercising such caution?

In any event, if you are dead set on owning the piano, you might consider having your name legally changed in order to meet the stipulations.

What about "Fred?" You sound very much like a Fred.

Please let me know what you decide. We will be more than willing to hold the piano for you while you go through the legal formalities associated with a name change, should that be your decision.

In hope and sincerity,

K-- B--

P.S. If the requirements surrounding the purchase of the piano (i.e. the name change, the tri-weekly payment plan and the Toenail Fiat) are not acceptable to you, we have a lovely salt and pepper shaker set that you might want to consider instead. I've enclosed a photo along with all pertinent details.

That letter will never be sent. You probably think it will never be sent because I just made the whole thing up out of thin air, but you're wrong.