Welcome to my lamest entry ever. My life, encapsulated in They Might Be Giant lyrics:

1. ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?

I never went to the tropical island (though everybody said they saw me there), and it wasn't me you punched a hole in at the West German protest march. Simultaneous events don't happen. We are isolated temporally. And a part is never called the whole, though it bothers us to know it's so. Every man is made of two opinions... every woman has a second half. I didn't write the words you hear me singing. I didn't sing the line before this one. You were not the one I was addressing... that person took a train to Africa, where he met the consulate from Belgium, who is now a hermit in a cave, who is pitching for the Oakland Raiders, striking out the batter she became... every man is made of two opinions... every woman has a second half.

2. DESCRIBE YOURSELF:

I was born in a lighthouse, my mother was the sea. I crawled to school each morning, when it occurred to me: that life's just a mood ring we're not allowed to see... and this is what it said to me: my room is comfortably small with rubber lining the walls, and there's someone always calling my name.

3. HOW DO SOME PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT YOU?

A woman came up to me and said, "I'd like to poison your mind with wrong ideas that appeal to you, though I am not unkind." A man came up to me and said "I'd like to change your mind. By hitting it with a rock," he said, "though I am not unkind." We laughed at his little joke and I happily walked away... and hit my head on the wall of the jail, where the two of us live today.

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF?

I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend, but I'm a little glowing friend, but really I'm not actually your friend, but I am...

5. DESCRIBE YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND OR INTEREST:

I met someone at the dog show. She was holding my left arm. But everyone was acting normal, so I tried to look nonchalant. We both said "I really love you." The shriners loaned us cars. We raced up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Why did they send her over anyone else? How should I react? These things happen to other people... they don't happen at all, in fact. When you're following an angel does it mean you have to throw your body off a building? Somewhere they're meeting on a pinhead, calling you an angel, calling you the nicest things. I heard they have a space program... when they sing you can't hear, there's no air... sometimes I think I kind of like that and other times I think I'm already there.

6. WHERE WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT NOW?

I'd rather be whistling in the dark.

7. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE/DO:

Sometimes I feel like being wispy, and once in a while I feel like being dry. But we're doomed and we're drowned by this feeling we surround, so I hope that I get old before I die.

8. DESCRIBE HOW YOU LIVE:

Fell in the door and you fell on the floor, with your hand on the knob, looking up and abruptly forget what you're thinking... fire alarms go off in your head. You live in the nightgown of the sullen moon. How the windows lean into the room in the nightgown of the sullen moon. Drug trip, it's not a drug trip, so you feel a bit insulted. Space walk, it's like a space walk with the corresponding weight loss. And you're nothing but air, with your hand in the air, and your shoelaces tied up together with care. There's a feeling of boredom, of the big whoredom, following dressing up in the nightgown of the sullen moon.

9. DESCRIBE HOW YOU LOVE:

Which describes how you're feeling all the time. Which describes how you're feeling all the feeling all the time. There's this guy in the sky and he makes you want to want to make you sigh like the time when you felt like you're feeling all the time. In his mind he can find how you're feeling all the time... from behind distant lines even straighter than his spine, which is fine, which is fine, and describes how you're feeling all the time.

10. HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?

Birds fly into my windshield. Thoughts fall from my thoughts. Words fall out of my pockets, and cats dance under my feet. This colorful spell under which I live protects me from all I write.

11. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL?

Now it's over, I'm dead and I haven't done anything that I want... or I'm still alive, and there's nothing I want to do.

12. PICK A RANDOM FRIEND AND DESCRIBE THEM:

He wants a shoehorn... the kind with teeth. People should get beat up for stating their beliefs. He wants a shoehorn... the kind with teeth, because he knows there's no such thing. He asks a girl if they can both sit in a chair... but he doesn't get nervous... she's not really there.

13. PICK A RANDOM FAMILY MEMBER AND DESCRIBE:

She's got her ear to the walls and she's tapping the calls. If you've got a secret boy, forget about it.

14. PICK AN EX-BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND AND DESCRIBE:

She set your goldfish free, and now she's sighing. Blew out your pilot light, and made a wish.

15. DESCRIBE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR JOB/SCHOOL:

All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in. I'm glad they are a snowman with protective rubber skin. But every little thing's a domino that falls on different dots and crashes into everything that tries to make it stop.

16. DESCRIBE SOMETHING YOU STRUGGLE WITH:

The mirror on the wall won't talk to me at all, now that I have everything. The face inside the frame just doesn't look the same, now that I have everything.

17. SHARE A FEW WORDS OF WISDOM:

So if you like a band with a chick singer, say your cup of tea is a wall of trombones... If you dig Menudo, or MDC we salute you the way we know.

According to folklore, one way to protect yourself from witches and ghosts is to cover your door with a screen. Malevolent spirits are apparently OCD, and must pause to count all the holes in any screen they encounter... by the time they finish, it will be dawn, and you will be safe.

Apparently, referencing They Might Be Giants has a similar effect on me. You say the word, and I'm forced to waste valuable evil-doing time on pointless activity. Thanks astralounge. You suck.